Friday Fictioneers: Last Ditch

The theme of escape ends with this weeks submission for Friday Fictioneers. The challenge is to write a 100-word story in response to the photo prompt. To read more flash fiction or to submit your own please go here. This week’s prompt provided by Connie Gayer (Mrs. Russell)

wired

I ran like beelzebub himself was chasing me. I ran until my breath gave out. I could hear myself panting as I fell to my knees. Then I heard something else. It was a crunch as a boot came down on the glow necklace that must have fallen from my neck. Without hesitating I rolled into a ditch and tried to take cover under some tumbleweed. I could hear his breathing as he got closer. He dragged me kicking and screaming from my hiding place. That was the last anyone heard of me.

word count: 97

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12 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers: Last Ditch

  1. Ooh, I love how we’re in the centre of the action here. And how it seems from the last line as if it’s written from beyond the grave – adds a whole other layer to the story.

    C – Because the last line is so wonderfully strong, I wonder if you should change the first ‘heard’ and maybe even the first ‘hear’ to different words, which will make the last line even stronger?

  2. Dear MTO,

    This left me breathless as you made me part of the chase.

    C-I agree with Claire. If at all possible I try to use each verb only once. (Not always possible.) Too much repetition can slow the action.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  3. I think I’d have written the whole thing in present tense, changing the last sentence to something like “I’m wondering if this will be the last anyone will ever hear of me…” or similar. Writing from beyond the grave is always tricky to pass off. Good piece, nevertheless.

  4. Great action in such a short piece, takes the breath away reading. It worked for me, beginning to end and leaves me wondering if there’s still hope, of if this is a ghost, a narration from the beyond, or someone kidnapped?

  5. C-
    Great sense of fear and tension in this piece; I like the repetition you have woven through it, which seems to increase those elements. Also, your use of the hearing sense throughout.
    If you want to make any changes, look at the line about the glow necklace. I had to stop here to do a bit of mental gymnastics about when / where the necklace had fallen, how close ‘he’ was to her and whether there was any chance of getting away, and also whether a glow necklace crunches or not. Also, if you were running away from someone in the darkness, wodn’t you rip that necklace off nice and early? Or maybe it wasn’t glowing and the crunch was the glass breaking when he stood on it. As you can see from the length of this comment, that was all pretty distracting from the flow of the story.

    • Thanks for the comments. I guess I could fix it by taking out the “glow” part? It started off with her being at some party/rave or some such. But as the piece changed I should have edited better. Thanks for the feedback.

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