Wide open Wednesday: funny I dont feel grown up

Daily Prompt: When was the first time you felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I stopped growing around 16, but I have never really grown up. Ive gone through many changes but I am still naive, learning everyday.

When I was a kid I couldnt wait to be grown up. Id be in charge of my own destiny. I dreamed and plotted my way out, got a job at 16 to save money for the day, I couldnt wait to be 18 and free. It was delayed a year as I didnt quite have enough money I scratched tally marks on my bedroom wall until I finally got out.

I was 19, working full time at a dull job, taking night courses at college, paying my own way when my parents went to Italy and I quietly moved out of the house. I had nothing: no bed just a sleeping bag on the floor, no furniture or kitchen stuff. I didnt care, I had freedom. I played grown up. I hooked up a phone, went to work, went to college at night, paid my bills. I smoked and drank too much as I complained what a bitch life was.
I lived like that for a decade. My apartment was sparse, I travelled, went from one dull job to another, went out with friends and drank and smoked too much, changed men like I changed my jobs. I suffered with depression. I didnt want to accumalate stuff, to be weighed down, to grow roots. I wanted to be ready to leave at the drop of a hat.

The wind blew off my hat and carried it. I finished college, went back for my masters, quit smoking, started running, went to therapy, became a teacher, got married, became a mother. GASP. Somehow, without ever learning to swim I kept my head above water.

Here I am in my 40s today a lot wider, if not wiser, than 2 decades ago, with a more ‘who cares’ attitude but do I feel grown up? Older, wiser a little rougher around the edges, but no not grown up. Maybe I never will. I was so eager to grow up and be an adult when I was a kid and now I find its not all that. Its definitely better than being a kid. That sucks. I like my freedom and my choices, but there is still so much to do, to learn, to experience. Each day is an opportunity to grow and continue the journey of life. I look forward to it, how about you?

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